I got 2 Bs and an A- for my first real semester of grad school. So, my grade total will be 3 Bs and 1 A-… Bs aren’t cutting it, for me. I read the stats of graduate students on the Livejournal community applyingtograd and they are all 4.0 undergrad and MA students with perfect GRE scores, awards, participation in conferences, etc. etc. etc.

I’ve always hated overachievers. I’ve always wanted to be one of them.

The job climate is rough all over, and I’m wary of saying that it is especially so in academia. Tenure-track jobs seem to be becoming a thing of the past. On one hand, that’s a good thing. From the perspective of wanting job security, it’s horrible.

I have to look at grad school as the career track, really, and it’s so frustrating because I’m stumbling. I want to make myself into an ideal candidate for a job by the time I am through, but I feel like I’m constantly behind.

I look at that applyingtograd community and see people writing their statements of purpose from undergrad to a PhD program and the are already well-versed in theory. What undergraduate programs are doing that? I never had any of those opportunities.

Granted, I never sought any real opportunities out. I’ve kind of floated along by luck. I’ve never studied terribly hard, but I’ve always made As and Bs. Now, I don’t work terribly hard and I make Bs. But Bs aren’t good enough anymore… so I guess I have to learn to work hard.

And opportunities. They don’t come along on their own anymore, at least not often. I’m looking for them now, at my university, and the thing is… I’m not finding them.

I was inducted into the English lit honor society when I was an undergraduate and I think, hey, that’s something to put on the old C.V., that’s an opportunity right there… but…

There’s always a “but.”

I need to connect more with my professors. I need to participate more – try and seek out opportunities to TA, to work in the writing center, if possible. I am really dreading the fact that this may be impossible.

To be honest, I’m pretty unhappy with the fact that my MA degree is going to take until 2012 to do. Most programs that I’ve seen seem to tout an MA as being only a year long. Granted, I am going to do a thesis and that requires time… BUT. BUT BUT BUT.

Maybe I should stop reading the blogs of people who have their PhDs but can’t get jobs. Maybe I should stop reading applyingtograd and just continue on in blissful ignorance. Sometimes I get so lost in the prospects of the future that I forget that I really love what I’m learning about all the things I am studying… and sometimes I get so lost that I forget to learn.

But maybe my knowledge of such perils is a good thing. I just need to find a balance between awareness and… passion, I guess.

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